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7/17/2023 0 Comments Throwback Post: Culture of Booze"I like a good beer buzz early in the morning, and Billy likes to peel the labels off his bottles of bud." Oh Sheryl Crow how you so adequately describe the way in which so many of us rely on booze to let loose and have some fun. There was a time when there would be no place I would rather be than in a bar at noon on Tuesday. Okay. I will stop with the early 90s Tuesday Night Music Club references. But really though. Thinking back on my late teens and the first half of my twenties, there isn't much I can remember. I will say this, I did work in the service industry earning at least $100 a shift and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would leave the restaurant emotionally, mentally and physically drained head straight to the local dive bar and leave all my tip money there. When I do the math it makes me cringe. 5 years, 52 weeks, 4 shifts/week, a hundred bucks each shift. This means I spent over ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND dollars on booze, smokes and all forms of reckless entertainment in between. Madness. Sheer madness.
The money aside, the most significant loss from that period in my life is time. Time in the form of memories lost, opportunities missed and relationships ruined. Of course it wasn't all bad. If it had been all bad I would have realized that drinking was a problem for me much sooner in the game. That's just it. I was a fun addict--addicted to good times with fantastic people. and when I was drinking, it felt like so much fun. So much connectedness. So much life. Until of course I reflect back and think about the nights that ended in screaming matches, upchucking, spins, and completely irresponsible behavior. Don't even get me started on the mornings. The shame, the headaches, nausea and flu-like symptoms. When I really pause to think about the big picture, I remember it really wasn't all fun and games. I wish I could say that I figured this all out and snapped out of it by the time I had my first child, but the truth is, the experience of being a first time parent among other life stressors actually made the problem worse. I was never a frequency drinker. My stomach couldn't handle it. The hangovers as years went on became more and more deteriorating. My issue has always been in not knowing when to stop. It was like I had this internal motor going and going, never wanting the party to run out. Always wanting the laughs to last. Usually ending with my head in a toilet. It wasn't until I really stopped to analyze my motives. To think about why I was actually drinking, and continuing to drink well beyond the point I should stop, that I was able to see my relationship to alcohol clearly. I have come to realize that even though my actions are ultimately my responsibility, my experience with drinking isn't all my fault. The culture of drinking in our society is pretty pervasive. I always thought it was unique to high school peer pressure or college frat parties. But I have come to find that binge drinking actually continues and in some circles gets worse as we progress further into adulthood. Whether we are new parents at social gatherings, young professionals at happy hour, mid-lifers, retirees whose day-to-day responsibilities and empty nest often result in more-than-ideal partying too. Even in the Bible it seems, in the story of the wedding at Cana, Jesus is turning water into wine. So until very recently, it never occurred to me that choosing to abstain from alcohol was a 'normal' thing to do. It just never seemed like a realistic choice unless I labeled myself an alcoholic and started attending AA. Don't get me wrong, the 12-step model is amazing in terms of its spiritual practice and wisdom. It just overwhelmed me and somehow never felt like the right place for me, despite many invitations and opportunities to go with friends and acquaintances. In my spiritual work, both with yoga and my deep love and affection for Jesus, I have learned that drinking is less than ideal. Seemingly in direct opposition to the story of Jesus turning water into wine, scripture instructs us, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit..." Ephesians 5:18. In our culture though, it can feel like debauchery is a goal to be attained. The greater the state of debauchery, the more street cred or bragging rights you have. I still find myself carrying on about that one crazy night when I lost my keys, or the time I couldn't stop falling over because I finished a 5th of Jack on the way into Manhattan on the LIRR. See, I just did it again. The crazy thing is, even though I know all of this, and even though my life has improved drastically in the three months since I have stopped drinking, I-STILL-LOVE-DRINKING. There is this part of me that probably always will. There is almost nothing else that can bring a group of strangers together and form them into instant friends. The way alcohol lowers inhibitions, takes the edge off, and livens up a party makes it difficult for me to kiss it goodbye forever. I don't know if I am on the path to a lifetime of sobriety. What I do know, is that I have discovered a new level of freedom within myself by abstaining and have learned how to cultivate all the benefits listed above, without the necessity of having a drink...or 20. So what prompted me to take the leap you ask? There was this one night... a seemingly innocuous gathering among two families. Children running free, adults laughing. Pouring and drinking glass after glass of Riesling. By night's end a girl friend and I had finished 2 bottles AND a magnum of wine and I found myself rather incapacitated for a full 48 hours afterward. I knew something had to change. There is no way I could carry on like this and be the mother, wife and human being I have always envisioned. The more I reflected on my behavior and the motivation behind my drinking habits, the more I recognized that my desire to drink was often to quell this deep seated gnawing, yet subtle anxious energy I carried with me every day. At the end of each day my nerves becoming so fried, that turning to a glass or bottle of wine seemed the only fix. I also recognized that in social situations I was drinking more than I should in order to keep my energy up--artificially, to avoid boredom and seem interesting to others. I was seeking genuine connection without the heavy weight of insecurity, feelings of inadequacy and the emotional complexity I have experienced since early childhood. But since committing to go alcohol free for an entire year, I have learned that I actually don't need any of it to enjoy my life. In fact, I am enjoying it more without drinking. I actually now feel less stressed, and better equipped to deal with anxiety when it does come up. I am more focused, ambitious and energetic. I feel strong and secure in who I am. So clearly not drinking is a good choice for me. But what is the right choice for you? I can't tell you that. But I'd venture to say that many of you probably never even considered sobriety as a lifestyle choice. I am here to tell you that it is, and a damn good one at that. Namaste friends. Keep fighting the good fight and tuning into your inner wisdom, there you will find your Truth. Honor that and live from that place of authenticity. If you do that, you cannot go wrong. Blessings to you all. (This post was originally posted in October of 2016)
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7/17/2023 0 Comments Throwback Post: My Spin on SinI can remember being small and wanting to make sure I got to Heaven when I grew up. I was riddled with anxiety about sin. Making sure to live as perfectly as possible. To be counted among the saints; to live a stainless, sinless life. Much to the credit of my Catholic upbringing I took this sin business pretty seriously. I learned there were even two types of sin. Venial and Mortal Sins, the latter so serious that it was unforgivable and would land you in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity. What terrible act could a child commit that would sentence them to eternal damnation? Apart from the obvious murdering, stealing and adultery, skipping Sunday mass was among the most serious offenses a Catholic might commit. I learned pretty quickly that if this was the bar for salvation, I was screwed. I mean I didn't have a prayer of making it to the pearly white gates. Thankfully by God's good grace, I have come to a new, if unconventional spin on sin.
As any good writer should, I referred to the almighty wisdom of Sir Google in preparation for this post. I found it interesting that the definition of sin according to dictionary.com varies pretty significantly from the way sin was defined by my religious education instructors. I learned that the general understanding of sin is "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law." Although I don't disregard this definition, I think when it comes to sin, lots of people have a totally perverted and often self-sabotaging view of sin. I often revert back to dogmatic thinking. Sin equals doing bad stuff. If I do 'bad stuff' then I am a sinner and if I am a sinner I go to Hell. Or at the very least I will be judged. But here's the thing. As a person who has professed faith and trust in Jesus, I am no longer a prisoner of the Law. Praise Jesus! So for me, sin takes on a new function in my life. Sin does not equal bad my friends. No no. Sin equals separate! And trust me when I tell you, I have found that there is no greater pain or suffering than the feeling of being separate in Spirit from God. So much of the anxiety, depression and despair I have experienced has not been a matter of circumstance, but a matter of sin that I have not recognized or dealt with. If being connected to Spirit is LIFE, then being separate from Spirit must be DEATH. I love the parable about the True Vine. In the Gospel of John Jesus tells us that He is the vine and we are the branches. Branches cannot survive if they are cut off from the vine. The Spirit cannot live in the presence of Sin. When we sin, we cut ourselves off from the vine. No matter how big or small the sin. This interpretation has absolutely nothing to do with salvation or damnation. It has all to do with life and the peace, joy and contentment with which it can be experienced. It concerns itself with the condition of, or the soil of the heart. Sin doesn't make me bad. It makes me separate and it produces a subtle, unyielding feeling of unease, self-centeredness and anxiety in my life. Let me give you an example. Nicotine is one of those substances that had a really strong hold over me for a pretty long time. Now I know that God, my Creator does not want me smoking or doing anything for that matter that jeopardizes my health and makes the temple of my body unclean. Smoking is nasty. I think we can all agree that the hard, black lungs resulting from years of tobacco use are definitely unclean and a far cry from the soft, pink tissue that our creator has placed in us to perform the sacred function of breathing. EVERY time I have fallen into tobacco use I am fooled into thinking meh, not a big deal. What's one cigarette. What's one drag even... but it is a slippery slope. Apart from the issue of desecrating the holy temple that is my body, I have also opened the flood gates of addiction. Addiction in and of itself is sin. To some extent, we are all addicted to something. But God, our creator wants us to love Him with all our heart, all our mind and all our soul. He wants us focused on HIM. So how can I be focused on HIM when I am jonesing so bad for a cigarette that it is the only thing I can focus on? There are long and short term consequences to sin. All sin. If you smoke cigarettes, there is a good chance that you will eventually get lung cancer and die. If you cheat on your spouse, you will likely end up divorced paying dearly for your transgression. If you steal, you will face fines, jail time even death depending on who you steal from and where you live. If you gossip, there's a good chance that person will learn what you've been up to and there will be backlash. But if your heart center is in good spiritual shape, your sin will produce another effect. Keeping with my example of smoking, I very quickly will begin to feel bad. Not just sick, or short of breath or guilty. But BAD. Like I don't think I will ever feel happy again kind of bad. And that is what feeling separate from God feels like for me. Kind of like a dementor just entered my space and parked itself there for all eternity. As I have moved through my yoga practices this week, I have done some visualization of my Heart Chakra. I imagined the swirling green wheel of energy. I could also very clearly see in my mind's eye black spots, dark places in that swirling wheel of light. This is my sin. I am not entirely aware of the sin my heart is shouldering. It could be as simple as the amount I allow worry to guide my actions rather than living from a place of trust and faith in the Almighty. One thing I have grown sure of is, that as long as I have a relationship with Jesus my sin cannot break me. Sin exists for me now as an impetus to live a cleaner more Christ centered life. And that fills my heart with gratitude. Ultimately God wants us to enjoy our lives. He wants us to be happy, healthy and provided for. We know this because Jesus has said "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." That which God finds sinful are the things that cause harm, even death to ourselves and others. Sin is not there to make us feel guilty. God is not sitting on His perch hoping that we will screw up so that He can be angry with and punish us. God walks with us and quietly nudges us to deal with our separateness one thing at a time. Because of His perfection we do not have to be perfect. He is perfect grace and perfect mercy. He is Love. If you are overcome by grief, or even subtly anxious or irritable your problem may boil down to being separate on some level from the Source of your being. A healthy heart does not rely only on a healthy diet and exercise. A healthy and open heart requires a connection to the life force energy that flows in and through us all. The more aware of that connection we become, the deeper level of peace and purpose we will feel. The more our hearts are focused on our relationship with our Creator, the more we can be blessed and be a blessing to others. Happy heart opening and namaste. (this post was originally published in September of 2016) |
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